I landed on American soil two weeks ago. The last few days I was in Uganda I didn't want to wish the days away, but I could not wait to get home to a clean shower, my bed, American food, paved roads, and a little bit of quiet time (the introvert in me was screaming inside for a little time alone!). At the same time I was dreading the moment that I would have to let go of the sweet hands I had the privilege to hold all week. I didn't want to leave the beautiful men and women who graciously welcomed us into their country and lives. I was scared to come back to a life where my dependency on God is so much less because I have so much more. And all of those things are the reasons that I have not yet been able to write about coming home.
Since the minute we got on the bus to go to the airport my heart hurt as if I was losing someone I loved. Because I was. I had managed to get through the trip without tears, mostly because of some strange coping mechanism I have developed at work. Even on the worst nights at work I can hold it together until I hit the door of the parking garage. Then I lose it. I wasn't sure at what point I would "hit the door" on the journey home but I was not looking forward to that moment. Well, it happened when we circled up to pray with the kids right before we left the orphanage. From that minute on I could not hold it together. I was not crying because I felt bad for the kids or because I was homesick. I was crying because I didn't know when I would get to come back to this place I had grown to love. I already missed my sweet Vivian as I fervently prayed for her by my side. My mom sent me encouraging verses that I clung to on the plane ride home and reminded me that the Lord is in control, no matter what.
I am 99.9% sure that I needed those kids more than they needed me. I know that while I was there I literally gave all that I had to give spiritually, emotionally and physically. There were days that I thought that I couldn't wake up the next morning and go at it again. But those were the times that I completely relied on the Lord's strength and the love He put in me for those people. I am sure that if I had spent more time there that God would have continued to provide that.
I know that I am now responsible for all that I saw and experienced in Uganda. One person cannot change a country, and in no way do I even want to try. But I know that the God that I believe in and rely on is the same God that provides for all His people time and time again. He will provide all the needs that I know of and all those that I don't. Transitioning back has been hard because I am trying to figure out my place in all of that. Each day gets harder. The more that the red dirt rubs off my shoes, fingers, and out of my nose the further I feel from Uganda. I teared up when I took my last malaria pill. I constantly feel so angry at people and situations that never stirred emotion in me before. I feel like a completely different person. And that is because I am. And I want to be. There is no way a person could experience Africa and not be changed.
If you are reading this please continue to pray for me. I am trying to take baby steps in figuring out my place in this world, especially since I still have another 1.5 years in my contract at work. Most of my day is consumed with thoughts of Uganda and how to get back there. I know that God is good, all the time. He is faithful. His love never fails. And if it is in His will for my life I would love to be back in that beautiful country one day soon.
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
His mercies are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness.
Having fun with these crazy kids at Ekubo
My three sweet girls! Teddy, Caroline and Vivian
